My Child the Rock
by soybean
Summary: Kino believes it's time to teach Yoh and Anna how to raise a child, using a rock as a substitute for the baby.
1. 10 AM: Don't sit on my baby

**A/N**: By "the rock", I don't mean the wrestler. I mean an actual rock. Stone. Mini-boulder. Now that that's settled, on with the story!

This isn't the Yona one-shot I promised, it's actually **multi-chaptered**. But it _does_ feature the YohXAnna pairing, except set in a more humorous situation. The one-shot will be more fluffy, and I'm aiming to get it up on August 31st (the day my Dunkin Donuts coffee coupons expire –sniff–) so keep checking from time to time.

Everyone should be pretty much in character. Yoh laid-back guy we all love. Anna violent in that caring way. Sorry if there are OOC moments.

Please read and pop in a review while you're at it! Thanks.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King. It belongs to Hiroyuki Takei (genius, man).

-------

**CHAPTER ONE**

-------

"Remind me why we're doing this again?"

"Because, Yoh, condoms only have a 97 percent success rate."

"I see."

Yoh Asakura and his newly-wed wife, Anna Kyouyama Asakura, were walking in comfortable silence down the familiar path to the Asakura household.

Kino, Yoh's grandmother, had decided it was high time to teach the young couple everything she knew about raising a baby.

After their honeymoon, the old woman had no doubt Anna would be conceiving soon and saw this as a golden opportunity to feed – or rather, force – some crucial life skills into their brains.

Moments later, the pair had arrived at their destination and made their way to the main room where Kino awaited them.

"Have a seat," she gestured towards the mats placed on the floor.

She had anticipated their arrival. Why wouldn't she have? It had been she that requested their presence in the first place.

Wordlessly, both did as they were told.

"Now, you should know the reason for your coming."

A nod came from the two.

Yoh was having a particularly difficult time, as he struggled to stay awake. His head was in fact bobbing up and down from the repeated action of nearly falling asleep and jerking awake at the last minute.

Kino held up a rock.

"No, don't hit me, I'M AWAKE!" Yoh yelled out loud in a frenzied panic, now fully awake and shielding his head with his hands.

Both women stared at him questioningly.

"... So what's with the rock?" Yoh asked, hoping to ease the awkward silence.

"This will be your baby," Kino explained, "We will be using this for demonstrational purposes, and practice. Now, shall we proceed?"

Nodding was their only answer. Their necks were receiving quite a workout.

"Let's start by asking a few questions to find out what you already know."

Kino placed the rock a few feet in front of her.

"Now, assuming that the rock is your baby, what would you do if it were cold?"

Yoh immediately stood up and plopped ass-first down onto the rock.

He was there for only a moment as a slap sent him flying halfway across the room.

"Yoh, baka! You'll flatten it. I will _not _have a pancake for a child."

Her husband grinned sheepishly, "Heh, but I thought body heat would be best."

"BODY heat, not butt heat."

"Interesting approach, Yoh," Kino commented, before Anna could murder her baby-squishing husband, "Now Anna, what method would you take?"

Raising an eyebrow, Anna promptly exited the room.

When she returned, she was carrying a bucket filled with water. Steam was rising out from the top.

Taking the rock, the itako dropped it into the bucket. It landed with a loud 'plunk'.

"Also another possibility, although I have to say the best course of action to take would have been to wrap some _blankets_ around your child," the elder woman informed them patiently.

"I was using my body as a blanket."

"Bucket and blanket both started with B."

Came the justifications.

Kino sighed. This was going to be a long, LONG day.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**A/N**: I hope everyone enjoys this! Chapter Two: Force Feeding is on the way.


	2. 12 AM: Force feeding and sea animals

**A/N**: My YohXAnna one-shot is up. It's called "Painting Perfection" so if you're a Yona fan, be sure to give that a read; and pop in a review while you're at it ;)

For those of you who are wondering about _Fourplay_ – it's coming! If all goes well, it'll probably be posted on September 1st. As for _Shaman King Marriage Prospects_, I'm aiming to post ANNA's page up on August 31st.

**M0rbidity** – this girl's gonna kill me; I make her beta-read so many of my fics, heh. Thank you _so_ much! If you need anything, I am at your beck and call.

I'd like to thank the following people for reviewing, and being my encouragement to continue this fic: _asn water, sakura-star69, bOw-doWn-tO-KeiKO, Queenstheif Draconess herselve, Itako No Anna Asakura, blah, LadyDragonfly23, Anime-Mastah, Dragon Empress, Helena-Jeanne-Chibi, Keitorin Asthore, Falcon Strife, winner-loser, and Kurai Okami-chan_.

I promise to do review replies in the next chapter. Oh, and just as a forewarning: breast-feeding is mentioned in this chapter. So if you don't like things like those… uhm, yeah.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King. Hiroyuki Takei does.

**CHAPTER TWO**

"Hehe, look! I'm a walrus!"

"Yoh, take those chopsticks out of your mouth THIS INSTANT!"

Kino slapped her forehead – she wanted to slap _them_, but grandchild abuse wasn't her thing.

"Let's. Get. Started," she mumbled through gritted teeth.

Yoh reluctantly stopped imitating a humpback whale, and Anna put down the butter knife she was prepared to spear him with.

It was like a rendition of Moby Dick. A horrible, horrible rendition that shall never be mentioned again.

"So, it should be obvious what we're planning to learn now."

"Yes," both chorused.

The setting was the kitchen. The lesson: learning to feed a baby.

"So, if your child was hungry, what would you do?"

"Feed it," Yoh answered proudly.

Okay, so they were making progress. I mean, it was better than _sitting_ on their baby, right?

"What he said," Anna chimed in, evidently bored out of her mind. She began playing with the stove. The flames instantly shot up.

"Good idea, Anna!" Kino stated, a breath of relief escaping her as she realized their child just may survive afterall, "Cooking is a vital skill around the house."

"I know how to cook," the brunette Asakura declared.

"She means _edible_ things," the itako retorted.

"Are so edible!"

"Are not."

"Are so!"

"ARE NOT."

Slap. And the shaman/walrus/humpback whale was put temporarily out of commission.

"Will you two act your age, not your shoe size?"

Kino was evidently fed up.

Yoh stared at his feet. What was he? Size... eight. And Anna's were even smaller.

Their elder continued with an air of authority, "As I was saying, cooking is a vital skill. Can you cook for a baby? And most importantly, Anna, are you prepared to breast feed?"

Anna's eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"By breast, do you mean my own?"

"Who else's?"

"Tamao, Pirika, Eliza, Ryu–"

"Ryu's a guy," Yoh interjected, raising an eyebrow.

"He wouldn't know the difference between breast-feeding and chest-feeding."

"Hey! They _do_ rhyme."

Kino again slapped her forehead, where a bruise was beginning to form.

"And if your baby _doesn't_ accept the food?"

"We could use that method where the parent pretends the food is an airplane and the mouth is an airport," Yoh mumbled absentmindedly, waving his hand around and making 'vroom' sounds.

"And what if your baby likes trains?"

"We could shove it down their throats. NO ONE DISOBEYS THE WIFE OF THE SHAMAN KING," Anna slammed her fish down onto the kitchen counter as Yoh continued his chants of 'vrooooooom'.

Yoh decided it would be a good time to raid the fridge, and indulged himself in some ice cream.

"Share," Anna commanded.

"But Anna...," Yoh replied, a hint of desperation lacing his voice.

A glare, and it was all over.

Anna scooped spoonfuls of ice cream and ate them happily, while Yoh decided to suck on a piece of candy he found stuffed into his back pocket instead.

What was he saving it for again? He'd just shrugged it off. His stomach demanded it.

"DAMNIT I GIVE UP. YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO STARVE. Now let's move on already," Kino bellowed, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

"We could always order Chinese Take-Out. Duh," Anna stated matter-of-factly.

Kino wasn't paying an ounce of attention whatsoever and chose instead to drag them by their toenails out of the kitchen, Yoh complaining the entire way about his recent now-ruined pedicure.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**A/N**: I got my hair cut today! It used to be really long, like twelve inches or so. Until they chopped off seven to eight inches and did layers, angling, all that mumbo jumbo. It's so much lighter than before, I think I lost a pound or two! Yeah, screw diets, just get your hair cut.

Anyway, Chapter Three: La La Dreamland is on the way. R&R, please.


End file.
